Feeling defeated...

So D-day has come and is almost gone and Peter is not here nor does he show any signs of coming today. The problem remains that he is a bad position and as he gets bigger it makes it harder and harder for him to get it right, not to mention that my uterus has taken on the shape of his favored location making it difficult for him to stay right if and when he does move. He has twisted and turned in the night a few times after I have completed exercises, but as soon as I get up its back to the hammock. His head is down, but its as though he has a crick in his neck so he isn't in any position to be shooting out the birth canal. Poor baby, poor Momma!

I guess the hardest thing for me is that I have worked so hard to know and understand pregnancy and birth. I am passionate about natural birth because I have wanted to have one with each of my kids, but the odds of that happening are looking slim. It makes me wish in some ways that I was not such a passionate person. I mean I see woman everyday who could care less about what kind of birth they have... they love epidurals, they don't mind c-sections, they don't do any reading or research and in the end they have no regrets. Most of these woman could have natural delivery, but that isn't important to them. It is important to me, but it seems everything is working against me.

I have absolutely no control over any of it. I have done everything I know to do, and the funny thing is that most OBs have no idea or at least act as though they have no idea what to do about malposition. They usually don't even acknowledge it until well into labor and then yell emergency c-section as though they never saw the possibility of such. I have asked 3 OBs here what to do to correct Peter's position problem and none of them had a clue. Well I have a clue - I have done many exercises that have done some good - Peter has moved and been in the up and down position several times, but between his weight and gravity and the likelihood that my uterus is shaped to his present position he just goes right back.

Now I have to make a decision. My current OB is very sweet, she understands that I want a natural birth and has told me she will not try to force me to do anything, but she also wants to tell me all the risks... so I already knew all the risks... which are risks with any birth. Funny thing is that OBs don't go into detail about the risks of their interventions. My problem is that I have too much information. Ignorance is bliss, huh? I know that indecision is a decision, but its like my chances are 50/50 whether I go now or later, but if I go later then at least I do have a chance for a completely natural labor... but Peter will probably be at least 10 pounds. Yikes!

Surprising as it might be, my biggest encouragement today came from my friend Tracy, an OB in China who is in a system of managing every detail of labor and delivery. She told me honestly that for her patients she would suggest a c-section, but because she knows my heart she suggests I wait until 41 weeks. That was totally unexpected. Here I was thinking Monday - 4 days pass D-day and my Chinese friend who is totally fear driven in the delivery room suggests I wait til 41 weeks. I must say, my heart is beating at a steadier pace after talking with her. Now, Lord, please steady my heart and renew my faith. I am floundering. I feel as though I am being tossed about on the waves of the sea.

I don't know what will happen, and I assume I won't know until after it has already occurred, but one thing is for sure... I AM NOT IN CONTROL!

Blessings to all my friends out there! Prayers needed.