Well I have been through it with this pregnancy. A range of emotions that are somewhat uncharacteristic for me to say the least. Over the past week I have been so sick. Not just nausea and tachycardia and bloating, but a bad cold that has left me in my bed several days with Matt cooking dinner and home schooling a large portion of the time. I have not enjoyed the ill feelings my body is going through, but on the other hand I have relished in this new life growing inside me. I felt strongly this week that it is a girl. Of course I could be wrong, but that is my feeling. Lola has been really cute. Several times she has come into my bedroom to just hang out with me. We have had many discussions about baby. She loves thinking about her little brother or sister. She wants a sister. Her and Gracie have this 3 tier bunk bed imaged for the 3 of them if she is indeed a girl. This has been a very good week emotionally when considering our newest addition. I have embraced this baby and am in love for sure. I will be 9 weeks tomorrow.
Today I have coughed my head off. I was bedridden all of yesterday, but after a lot of water and a lot of rest I felt better this morning. I did too much I suppose. I cooked breakfast, we called Mims for her birthday. I wrangled with the kids, gave Pete a bath and got G & L washing the glass doors in the living room. I could feel myself wearing down. I finally made my way back to the bed, but I didn't get much rest. I felt pretty yuck for the rest of the day. Coughing violently left me breathing hard and hurting several times.
I fell asleep while Matt cooked dinner and slept through dinner and him putting the kids down. I woke up very uncomfortable in jeans and decided to put on some pajamas. When I went to the bathroom though I got a huge surprise. Blood. Yes, I have freaked out. I went to find Matt immediately and we prayed and cried for what seemed like a long time. Woke Pete up so Matt went to get him back to sleep. The bleeding seems to have stopped, but I am left wondering if I have lost this little life or if she still grows safely in my womb. Only the Lord knows. I'll go to the hospital in the morning to check. I cannot stand the thought of loosing her.
I have prayed hard this night. Its hard not to feel a bit guilty and undeserving. Guilty because I complained a lot about being pregnant, giving up a kind of freedom that I perceived as the big kids were actually becoming big kids. But this baby is freedom. In a land where women send their children on at the drop of a hat, many times because they don't have the freedom to carry and deliver children as the Lord blesses their womb, I see my baby as freedom. Freedom to allow God to have control over the affairs of my life and to rejoice in that because He is good. And He gives good gifts. Children are such a gift. Precious. Life is so fragile, yet we are resilient. It reminds us that our lives truly are in the hands of God.
I have begged the Lord this night to allow me this child. I want this baby. I love this baby. To lose this 9 week old would be losing one of my children. My child. I don't know if it my son or daughter. How sad is that? It breaks my heart. I cannot even name my baby with confidence. But I know this baby is in the Lord's hands and I know that He is good. He gives and He takes away. I don't deserve any of the good things He has given me, but as His child I see the goodness of my father. He loves me and I know I can trust him. So I wait. I wait to see what the Lord has decided for this child. Will she join us here or will we have to wait to meet her until we join her in eternity? Its a hard place to be.
I am thankful that I told my mom last week and she was happy about the baby. I had worried she might think I was too old or make some negative comment, but she didn't. She was thrilled and reminded me that I have always said that I want as many children as the Lord will give me. Yes indeed. I said that and I meant it. My mom will probably never know how much she encouraged me with her enthusiasm over this life. She has already told a lot of people because she just can't contain herself. We got an email today telling us of her joy and sending a congratulations. Yes, it is indeed an occasion to celebrate. I pray we can celebrate tomorrow that this little person will come and bless our lives.
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Thursday, November 07, 2013
Lola is 5... since 9/9
Well I have really dropped the ball when it comes to keeping up this blog. Its mostly a way to catalog major events in our lives, but I think its nice for those who want to know what's going on with us to have a way to see our faces and hear our stories from time to time.
Lola turned 5 on September 9. Well that was 2 months ago. Mims was here for her birthday and we had a swell time. I made a pinata and we had our close friends over for games and treats. The Pinata was a hit! Literally.
Sweet Lola has grown so much. I can't believe she started Kindergarten this year and is already reading so well. I think she has her Momma's learning styles though because Math comes easy and she seems to be a visual learner. I love that I get to teach her to read and write and do all the other little things like memorize scripture and recite the states and capitals.
Lola Mei has brought so much joy into our home. She is witty and silly and loves to tell stories. She is extremely loud, especially when she's trying to get her point across and she's got just enough fight in her to keep you watching. But she is so sweet and mostly compliant. She likes to please and succeed. She adores her sister and wants to do everything she sees Grace do. She loves her little brother too and will play with him sometimes for hours. Then there are those times she wants him out of her room.
Lola is so so precious to us all. I am so grateful that the Lord chose me to be her Mommy. I am blessed.
Lola turned 5 on September 9. Well that was 2 months ago. Mims was here for her birthday and we had a swell time. I made a pinata and we had our close friends over for games and treats. The Pinata was a hit! Literally.
Sweet Lola has grown so much. I can't believe she started Kindergarten this year and is already reading so well. I think she has her Momma's learning styles though because Math comes easy and she seems to be a visual learner. I love that I get to teach her to read and write and do all the other little things like memorize scripture and recite the states and capitals.
Lola Mei has brought so much joy into our home. She is witty and silly and loves to tell stories. She is extremely loud, especially when she's trying to get her point across and she's got just enough fight in her to keep you watching. But she is so sweet and mostly compliant. She likes to please and succeed. She adores her sister and wants to do everything she sees Grace do. She loves her little brother too and will play with him sometimes for hours. Then there are those times she wants him out of her room.
Lola is so so precious to us all. I am so grateful that the Lord chose me to be her Mommy. I am blessed.
since no one reads this anyway....
So, I am dying to tell you all I'm pregnant, but also not at all ready to tell anyone. For now it is Matt and my little secret. The kids don't know, the grandparents haven't heard and I will wait as long as I possibly can before I tell one single Chinese person because I don't want to hear it.
I'm excited. I've already had all my "oh, no!" emotions. All my, I thought I was finished with being pregnant emotions (not necessarily with having kids mind you, just the pregnant part). The fleeting thought that I would finally be able to go to America without a nursing baby stuck to my chest... and we were even going to have all our kids over 3 years of age which meant we were really planning some fun stuff. But all that is fodder. We are having another baby! Another blessing. Another precious gift from our Father. And how could we be anything but excited and joyful and grateful!
I have 3 children which evokes many daily comments from my Chinese neighbors and random passersby. 3 kids! Wow, are they all yours? So many kids! Does the government pay you to have kids? I mean.... in a society where 1 kid is the norm people have forgotten that 2 generations ago the norm in China was 3, 4, 5.... but propaganda is mighty. So, yes, I am waiting to tell my Chinese friends, well because they will tell everyone else. I am definitely waiting to tell my neighbors because they will also tell everyone else. They will even have these conversations about the foreigner (me) while I am standing there. I want to just say, "I'm right here!" But its all good. They'll all know in a few months anyway. This well stretched body knows exactly how to take the form of preggo.
We are waiting to tell my mom and Matt's mom because its just fun to have a little secret. It's fun to talk about baby names and how old he/she will be when we get back to the States. How to acquire maternity clothes and baby clothes on our tight budget when we have just recently sent all ours far, far away.
I'm excited. I've already had all my "oh, no!" emotions. All my, I thought I was finished with being pregnant emotions (not necessarily with having kids mind you, just the pregnant part). The fleeting thought that I would finally be able to go to America without a nursing baby stuck to my chest... and we were even going to have all our kids over 3 years of age which meant we were really planning some fun stuff. But all that is fodder. We are having another baby! Another blessing. Another precious gift from our Father. And how could we be anything but excited and joyful and grateful!
I have 3 children which evokes many daily comments from my Chinese neighbors and random passersby. 3 kids! Wow, are they all yours? So many kids! Does the government pay you to have kids? I mean.... in a society where 1 kid is the norm people have forgotten that 2 generations ago the norm in China was 3, 4, 5.... but propaganda is mighty. So, yes, I am waiting to tell my Chinese friends, well because they will tell everyone else. I am definitely waiting to tell my neighbors because they will also tell everyone else. They will even have these conversations about the foreigner (me) while I am standing there. I want to just say, "I'm right here!" But its all good. They'll all know in a few months anyway. This well stretched body knows exactly how to take the form of preggo.
We are waiting to tell my mom and Matt's mom because its just fun to have a little secret. It's fun to talk about baby names and how old he/she will be when we get back to the States. How to acquire maternity clothes and baby clothes on our tight budget when we have just recently sent all ours far, far away.
Feeling defeated
I should be celebrating. I know that and I want to but tonight I just feel defeated. You see today I was sick all day. I'm 7 weeks pregnant, I'm 39, I'm tired and I have 3 kids that need home schooling, feeding, and a lot of attention. Nausea was waiting behind every corner today. I was thankful Matt was home so he could take the reigns when I had to lay down or just go find some crackers. I'm so unable to imagine the end of the tunnel. It seems like a black hole. I know I sound terrible, but I am just worn out and this is the result.
Grace had a good day, but refused to go to bed tonight. That's her new thing. It turned ugly when she was still moping at 10pm, all her privileges cast into the oblivion long before and no other recourse. I finally lost it, she smarted off and her Daddy finally took her to the office for a little meeting. I just went to bed. She woke up the baby who couldn't be soothed (oh, he's 2 and 8 months) so I just left him crying and shut the door and went back to bed. And so all I could think was "here we go again".
I love my children more than anything. I seriously love to be with them, but anyone with little kids knows that when the youngest gets to that age where you can take them all camping or on a picnic and you can have conversations and read books together, the family can sing and play and tell stories and you don't have to worry about every single thing your kid picks up in fear that they might eat it, and you can say "stop" when they are too close to the road and they stop.... everyone knows when this time comes you feel a sense of freedom. You breath a little easier.
We have lived in China as a family for 7 and a half years. I have been pregnant or nursing the entire time. I have yet to return to the States without a nursing infant. Pregnancy is hard on me. I have hip issues that manifest into back pain. Pregnancy intensifies this problem ten fold. I get gestational diabetes and cannot eat freely, and I live in a country that does not cater to diabetics so my diet is seriously limited. I need 8 hours of sleep in order to function with all cylinders running. I don't think I've slept the night through in 8 years. I was seeing the end of the tunnel. It was filled with outings and mud pies and inner tubes on a lazy river. But somehow the Lord thought it timely to put me on a detour and I no longer see any resemblance of rest in the near future.
I know that the person I was is gone. I am no longer an outgoing, tree hugging, rock climbing, Appalachian hiking child of the King. I am now an overweight, Mom of almost 4, nursing, spill wiping, home schooling, cook that still desires to serve her King. I'm ok with that for the most part because having kids is awesome. I love these little people in my life, but sometimes I want to enjoy them outside of this dingy city, in the woods, on a trail, at a campsite, floating on a river, exploring a cave, making mud pies, serving others and being the me that is tucked under all this pollution ridden skin.
And so I feel defeated, but hey plus one for the kingdom! I guess its victory if I can get my spectacles to focus on the right perspective. If anyone is reading this you are privy to information that has not yet been made public. Please do not share our news with anyone, if they read my blog then they'll know : )
By the way, in no way am I not excited about this life growing inside of me. I love the idea of another little Owens' kid running around at my feet, it's just the stress of pregnancy, sleepless nights, and chasing for the next 2 + years that has me reeling.
Grace had a good day, but refused to go to bed tonight. That's her new thing. It turned ugly when she was still moping at 10pm, all her privileges cast into the oblivion long before and no other recourse. I finally lost it, she smarted off and her Daddy finally took her to the office for a little meeting. I just went to bed. She woke up the baby who couldn't be soothed (oh, he's 2 and 8 months) so I just left him crying and shut the door and went back to bed. And so all I could think was "here we go again".
I love my children more than anything. I seriously love to be with them, but anyone with little kids knows that when the youngest gets to that age where you can take them all camping or on a picnic and you can have conversations and read books together, the family can sing and play and tell stories and you don't have to worry about every single thing your kid picks up in fear that they might eat it, and you can say "stop" when they are too close to the road and they stop.... everyone knows when this time comes you feel a sense of freedom. You breath a little easier.
We have lived in China as a family for 7 and a half years. I have been pregnant or nursing the entire time. I have yet to return to the States without a nursing infant. Pregnancy is hard on me. I have hip issues that manifest into back pain. Pregnancy intensifies this problem ten fold. I get gestational diabetes and cannot eat freely, and I live in a country that does not cater to diabetics so my diet is seriously limited. I need 8 hours of sleep in order to function with all cylinders running. I don't think I've slept the night through in 8 years. I was seeing the end of the tunnel. It was filled with outings and mud pies and inner tubes on a lazy river. But somehow the Lord thought it timely to put me on a detour and I no longer see any resemblance of rest in the near future.
I know that the person I was is gone. I am no longer an outgoing, tree hugging, rock climbing, Appalachian hiking child of the King. I am now an overweight, Mom of almost 4, nursing, spill wiping, home schooling, cook that still desires to serve her King. I'm ok with that for the most part because having kids is awesome. I love these little people in my life, but sometimes I want to enjoy them outside of this dingy city, in the woods, on a trail, at a campsite, floating on a river, exploring a cave, making mud pies, serving others and being the me that is tucked under all this pollution ridden skin.
And so I feel defeated, but hey plus one for the kingdom! I guess its victory if I can get my spectacles to focus on the right perspective. If anyone is reading this you are privy to information that has not yet been made public. Please do not share our news with anyone, if they read my blog then they'll know : )
By the way, in no way am I not excited about this life growing inside of me. I love the idea of another little Owens' kid running around at my feet, it's just the stress of pregnancy, sleepless nights, and chasing for the next 2 + years that has me reeling.
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