Loving this life

Well I have been through it with this pregnancy.  A range of emotions that are somewhat uncharacteristic for me to say the least.  Over the past week I have been so sick.  Not just nausea and tachycardia and bloating, but a bad cold that has left me in my bed several days with Matt cooking dinner and home schooling a large portion of the time.  I have not enjoyed the ill feelings my body is going through, but on the other hand I have relished in this new life growing inside me.  I felt strongly this week that it is a girl.  Of course I could be wrong, but that is my feeling.  Lola has been really cute.  Several times she has come into my bedroom to just hang out with me.  We have had many discussions about baby.  She loves thinking about her little brother or sister.  She wants a sister.  Her and Gracie have this 3 tier bunk bed imaged for the 3 of them if she is indeed a girl.  This has been a very good week emotionally when considering our newest addition.  I have embraced this baby and am in love for sure.  I will be 9 weeks tomorrow.

Today I have coughed my head off.  I was bedridden all of yesterday, but after a lot of water and a lot of rest I felt better this morning.  I did too much I suppose.  I cooked breakfast, we called Mims for her birthday.  I wrangled with the kids, gave Pete a bath and got G & L washing the glass doors in the living room.  I could feel myself wearing down.  I finally made my way back to the bed, but I didn't get much rest.  I felt pretty yuck for the rest of the day.  Coughing violently left me breathing hard and hurting several times.

I fell asleep while Matt cooked dinner and slept through dinner and him putting the kids down.  I woke up very uncomfortable in jeans and decided to put on some pajamas.  When I went to the bathroom though I got a huge surprise.  Blood.  Yes, I have freaked out.  I went to find Matt immediately and we prayed and cried for what seemed like a long time.  Woke Pete up so Matt went to get him back to sleep.  The bleeding seems to have stopped, but I am left wondering if I have lost this little life or if she still grows safely in my womb.  Only the Lord knows.  I'll go to the hospital in the morning to check.  I cannot stand the thought of loosing her.

I have prayed hard this night.  Its hard not to feel a bit guilty and undeserving.  Guilty because I complained a lot about being pregnant, giving up a kind of freedom that I perceived as the big kids were actually becoming big kids.  But this baby is freedom.  In a land where women send their children on at the drop of a hat, many times because they don't have the freedom to carry and deliver children as the Lord blesses their womb, I see my baby as freedom.  Freedom to allow God to have control over the affairs of my life and to rejoice in that because He is good.  And He gives good gifts.  Children are such a gift.  Precious.  Life is so fragile, yet we are resilient.  It reminds us that our lives truly are in the hands of God.

I have begged the Lord this night to allow me this child.  I want this baby.  I love this baby.  To lose this 9 week old would be losing one of my children.  My child.  I don't know if it my son or daughter.  How sad is that?  It breaks my heart.  I cannot even name my baby with confidence.  But I know this baby is in the Lord's hands and I know that He is good.  He gives and He takes away.  I don't deserve any of the good things He has given me, but as His child I see the goodness of my father.  He loves me and I know I can trust him.  So I wait.  I wait to see what the Lord has decided for this child.  Will she join us here or will we have to wait to meet her until we join  her in eternity?  Its a hard place to be.

I am thankful that I told my mom last week and she was happy about the baby.  I had worried she might  think I was too old or make some negative comment, but she didn't.  She was thrilled and reminded me that I have always said that I want as many children as the Lord will give me.  Yes indeed.  I said that and I meant it.  My mom will probably never know how much she encouraged me with her enthusiasm over this life.  She has already told a lot of people because she just can't contain herself.  We got an email today telling us of her joy and sending a congratulations.  Yes, it is indeed an occasion to celebrate. I pray we can celebrate tomorrow that this little person will come and bless our lives.