Feeling defeated

I should be celebrating.  I know that and I want to but tonight I just feel defeated.  You see today I was sick all day.  I'm 7 weeks pregnant, I'm 39, I'm tired and I have 3 kids that need home schooling, feeding, and a lot of attention.  Nausea was waiting behind every corner today.  I was thankful Matt was home so he could take the reigns when I had to lay down or just go find some crackers.  I'm so unable to imagine the end of the tunnel.  It seems like a black hole.  I know I sound terrible, but I am just worn out and this is the result.

Grace had a good day, but refused to go to bed tonight.  That's her new thing.  It turned ugly when she was still moping at 10pm, all her privileges cast into the oblivion long before and no other recourse.  I finally lost it, she smarted off and her Daddy finally took her to the office for a little meeting.  I just went to bed.  She woke up the baby who couldn't be soothed (oh, he's 2 and 8 months) so I just left him crying and shut the door and went back to bed.  And so all I could think was "here we go again".

I love my children more than anything.  I seriously love to be with them, but anyone with little kids knows that when the youngest gets to that age where you can take them all camping or on a picnic and you can have conversations and read books together, the family can sing and play and tell stories and you don't have to worry about every single thing your kid picks up in fear that they might eat it, and you can say "stop" when they are too close to the road and they stop.... everyone knows when this time comes you feel a sense of freedom.  You breath a little easier.

We have lived in China as a family for 7 and a half years.  I have been pregnant or nursing the entire time.  I have yet to return to the States without a nursing infant.  Pregnancy is hard on me.  I have hip issues that manifest into back pain.  Pregnancy intensifies this problem ten fold.  I get gestational diabetes and cannot eat freely, and I live in a country that does not cater to diabetics so my diet is seriously limited.  I need 8 hours of sleep in order to function with all cylinders running.  I don't think I've slept the night through in 8 years.  I was seeing the end of the tunnel.  It was filled with outings and mud pies and inner tubes on a lazy river.  But somehow the Lord thought it timely to put me on a detour and I no longer see any resemblance of rest in the near future.

I know that the person I was is gone.  I am no longer an outgoing, tree hugging, rock climbing, Appalachian hiking  child of the King.  I am now an overweight, Mom of almost 4, nursing, spill wiping, home schooling, cook that still desires to serve her King.  I'm ok with that for the most part because having kids is awesome.  I love these little people in my life, but sometimes I want to enjoy them outside of this dingy city, in the woods, on a trail, at a campsite, floating on a river, exploring a cave, making mud pies, serving others and being the me that is tucked under all this pollution ridden skin.  

And so I feel defeated, but hey plus one for the kingdom!  I guess its victory if I can get my spectacles to focus on the right perspective.  If anyone is reading this you are privy to information that has not yet been made public.  Please do not share our news with anyone, if they read my blog then they'll know : )  

By the way, in no way am I not excited about this life growing inside of me.  I love the idea of another little Owens' kid running around at my feet, it's just the stress of pregnancy, sleepless nights, and chasing for the next 2 + years that has me reeling.