12 week reflections - kiddo #4

What a ride it has been.  I've been sickly the majority of this pregnancy, but the emotional roller coaster has been without comparison.   I am so happy to think about this new little life growing inside of me at this moment its hard to believe the drama.  The nausea has been unreal this time, and I've eaten to ward it off.  Hence, the Chinese would say I look 6 months pregnant instead of 3, but what do they know?  They are so slim and in comparison I think they probably think I'm always pregnant.  It is true I've been asked at least bi-weekly since giving birth to Lola if I am pregnant.  My answer is usually "no, just fat!"  With a smile because it doesn't bother me in the least.  When I weighed 130 pounds at 5'9" I was told I was fat, so I know they are looking at my stature as much as they are looking at my waistline.

Anyway, I am very pregnant now and it is time to tell my helper and some other friends who probably suspect it anyway.  If you've read my earlier post you know I have been a bit grumpy.  I feel like I'm getting over that a little more every day.  My attitude toward my dear Chinese friends and neighbors was not very positive in light of the comments they often make about my 3 kids and I knew I might bust a gasket if I heard them talking about my pregnancy in a negative way.  On most days these comments don't bother those of us who live in China with more than 2 children, but when you are grumpy the smallest things can sometimes upset.  I've been snickered at, talked about, blamed, pointed at, and had all kinds of advice and ideas about having "so many kids". I mean I don't think 3 kids is "so many", but they usually do and they say so.  Now I join the ridiculous.  But my children are such a blessing and it makes me sad that they see children as such a nuisance and such a burden.  The Lord has blessed us and i cannot imagine life without any of my children and this sweet baby already has a place among us.  I feel confident now that my emotions are stabilizing and I can handle the comments once again with grace.  And in love.  So, tomorrow I tell Ayi.  She'll probably quit : )

I went to HK this past weekend and had a check-up.  I also had a sonogram.  It was a very sweet time.  A friend was traveling with me, a friend who is a mother and a grandmother.   She had never seen a live sonogram before and I invited her to share in my joy.  It was precious.  We both cried at seeing sweet baby lift his arms and legs, put his hand on his brow, and then hear from the doctor that she is 90% sure the baby is indeed a boy.   Good for Pete if she is right.  The naming began within seconds of calling home.  Grace and Lola deciding on Benjamin Asher, Lola preferring the opposite order.  We like that name, but it is undecided.  At 12 weeks I am also a bit leery to be so certain that he is a he.  It makes absolutely no difference to me, but if I get my mind wrapped around a boy then there will be a sense of loss if it is a girl.  The same thing happened when I was told Pete was a girl at 16 weeks.  He was called Rachel for a month before we found out differently.  Granted, Peter was a nice surprise and we rejoiced in the news, but there was a sense of loss for a few days over Rachel - Rachel who never existed.  In my mind I had pictured her though and so it was strange when I found out she wasn't there.

I am so thankful for this new life.  I saw a short video the other day of me holding Pete the day he was born.  I was exhausted but the smile never left my face.  I was in pure bliss.  The joy that seeped from every pour was so evident.   That moment when you hold the baby that has been riding around in your belly for 9 months.  This baby, #4, was such a surprise and in turn I think will be the biggest blessing of all.  God is so good.  He is already using this experience to grow me in new ways.  I might get straightened out even yet.  I am so thankful for His mercy.  I deserve death, but He gives me life.  Daily I see his mercy is indeed new every morning.  I am so thankful for His grace.  I don't deserve all the blessings he pours out on me, yet here I sit with the greatest husband and the coolest kids ever.  I have eternal life.  I have been given the gift of communing with Jesus.  He allows me to serve Him even though I do it begrudgingly so many times.  Thank you Lord.  You are indeed good!